Army

Considering I haven't exactly had the one on one experience of the army yet, I wasn't sure exactly what I would post in this but I decided I would shed light on why this lifestyle freaks me out so much and maybe other army wives can confirm my fears or simmer them lol. 

My dad was drafted at 19 for the Vietnam War and was a Green Beret, specialist, special forces when he retired. My dad was also married once before my mom and had many years in-between being enlisted and being married to my mom. So when my mom decided I was old enough to hear certain things you can imagine my shock when she told me the PTSD symptoms my dad STILL had when they were married, YEARS after he had gotten out of the military. My mom said that multiple nights she woke up to him hovering over her, staring down at her. Woke up to him crawling around on the floor some nights with a knife in his mouth, and even once remembering being pulled to the floor while he had his gun out, knife in mouth, yelling incoming and holding her to the ground! Also my sister is 5/6 years older then I am so he did this all with my baby sister (at the time) in the other room. I LOVE Jared but if he pulls me out of bed or I wake to him hovering over me, there might be a WWF smack down right then and there lol, especially if our kids are just in the next room! This terrifies me!

Also... I have never ever ever dated a soldier but for some weird ass reason I have ALWAYS felt I was going to marry one and he was going to die in action. I pray everyday now that it’s not like déjà vu and I know it’s coming because if I lost Jared I just don't know what I would do. Which is another reason I'm terrified. If he dies... what do I do? My mom was the closest person I've ever lost but I'm so use to NOT seeing her that I think that helped me cope with it. If I marry Jared and have kids with him than have to explain to them daddy isn't coming home and I still have to go about my life, I don't know how I'm going to do it. I don't know how I'm going to look into the faces of our children, that I'm guessing will resemble him and tell them that. It terrifies me. And Of course I know I may be blowing things way out of proportion before I even have to but Jared tells me its one of my worst and best traits... I think too much! And with thinking too much comes planning... yet another thing I wasn't thrilled about the military.

I'm experiencing it now... not being able to do crap. Not being able to help with information or the move because I'm not "legally" his wife. Not being able to plan where we are going to live, how we are going to move, what we are going to move. I can't plan a big wedding like I've always wanted because we don't have time, we won't be here, so for now JOP here we come, I hope we still find time to have some kind of wedding eventually :( All of the uncertainty that comes with military life is nerve wracking and causes me major panic, but I love him and I know I would follow him to the ends of the earth. I'd love to know I'm not the only one out there that freaks out this much haha please share share share, don't feel stupid, I'm sure if you've thought it, so have I! With all these negatives I know a million positives come with military life as well and over the next 20 years (because he plans to be a lifer) I will try so very hard to focus on the positives lol!